Study: Being Gay Prevents Global Warming

Kemridge, Mass. (October 12) – Being gay prevents the release of greenhouse gases into the atmosphere slowing the onset of global warming, a recent study concludes. The Hawad University study looked at the number of homosexuals in 69 US cities. In all but two cities, higher rates of homosexuals per capita accounted for lower emissions of carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases.

“This is evidence that homosexuality prevents global warming,” said Professor of Statistical Science Carl Veritas, one of the study’s coauthors. “In fact, this is very good evidence. An R-square of 0.92 is nothing to laugh at,” Dr. Veritas continued, pointing to the fact that in the study homosexuality accounted for a larger reduction in greenhouse gas emissions than the use of hybrid cars or alternative fuel sources. An R-square of 0.92 means that the ratio of homosexuality in the population explains 92% of the variation in greenhouse gas levels. The authors presented their findings at a special press conference.

Representatives of the local LGBT life association issued support for the study’s findings. “Our goal has always been to emphasize the contributions of sexual minorities to society. This study reveals that homosexuals don’t simply contribute to society, they contribute more than heterosexuals in fighting global climate change,” read a statement issued by Rainbow, a Boston, Mass., based organization.

The study found no significant differences between the roles of different age or gender groups in reducing greenhouse gases. However, cities with a larger Hispanic gay population had significantly lower carbon dioxide levels than predominantly white areas.

Not all response to the study’s findings was positive. “This study is part of a massive, communist-Nazi-islamofascist conspiracy to corrupt the morals of America,” Pat Jacobson, a well known tele-evangelist and author of Misquoting Plato: How liberals corrupted ancient philosophy, stated on the BoxNews show The O’Charlie Factor. “I am sure that Chavez and Ahmadinejad are behind this latest provocation,” he continued, referring to the Presidents of Venezuela and Iran.

Congressman Tim Tincredo (R-CO) was also heard on a Denver, Colo., based radio show saying: “We should nuke Boston.”

Environmental groups praised the findings as a great step forward for global warming research. “It is too bad that the study came out today,” said former Vice President Al Gore. “Had it come out yesterday, the authors would have received the Nobel Peace Prize.” Gore received the Nobel Prize for his work on global climate change.

“There is always next year,” said Professor Veritas at the press conference, referring to the Nobel award. Meanwhile, a source at SeeBS News speaking on condition of anonymity revealed that a multi-million dollar contract had been signed to turn the study’s findings into a TV miniseries. The series is slated to debut in early March, the source said.